The Cuss

Hello, Janrae.

Been thinking about this all week. I’m barely in a good enough place to do it now, but I feel I need to. Otherwise I’ll never get past it. Sorry it has taken me so long to do something. Oh shit, started crying already.

You see what you’ve done to me, you infernal cuss? You’ve turned an uppity git into a crybaby. But I’ve never lost someone like you before. I’m not sure I’ll ever stop missing you.

You changed my life. For the better, I might add. We met in the summer of ’07 and we clicked so quickly. I had never experienced that before. We never lost that. I never felt comfortable with people and then I met you and suddenly I was telling you everything about me. You got me. I loved playing the arrogant critgit to you, but you always knew I was an emotionally immature, socially inept, highly cautious and worried young man. You drew me out. You kicked my arse when I needed it. You protected me, guided me, talked to me, joked with me. I loved picking apart your writing, characters and world. It was great fun to kick your arse back and get you focused, but it also felt so good to be so helpful.

I’m not sure how I’m going to handle life without you to turn to. I could talk to you about anything. You wouldn’t judge, wouldn’t make fun of me. You might disagree, you might question me – you certainly would speak your mind and counter my intent if you truly thought I was wrong. You would be there for me, not for yourself. You would use your wealth of life experience to guide me through my issues. I could be there for you but never to that extent.

What I’m really struggling with though is the small stuff.
You popping up and saying hi. You popping up in a whimsical mood and throwing food at me. You popping up and throwing your work at me to fix, without a please. You throwing a link at me and refusing to tell me what it was so we spent ages arguing until I looked.
You starting a chat with me, stopping abruptly, then continuing 3 hours later because you got distracted and completely forgot you had been talking to me. Daft cuss.
You and I discussing history, also analysing it, the what-ifs, and how it could be used in writing.
You being fascinated by mundane, normal things in a mundane, normal life, such as mine. How you cried for Sparky. How you still missed Levy.
You just stating things: I’m having coffe. I’m making lunch. I’m sitting here and thinking. Just random statements as you shared the details of your day. How you would make food and forget about it. How you would tell me what you were having knowing I was a fussy eater and would go eeeeewwww.
You chasing me with a butterfly net. You menacing me with ketchup. You running around in circles, pretending to be a small, excitable dog pleased to see me.
You going on about things in WoW. You ranting about governments.
You telling me countless stories of your life, those you had known. Mama has become a solid figure of inner strength and will in my mind. You took after her so much.
You outdoing me with your greater knowledge. You surprising me by telling me you had interviewed the director on the set of the movie I was watching once.
You chuckling at the antics of those opposing nitwits. You making me go read threads and blogs as feuds escalated. Us laughing at Spiderman pictures winning out.
You feeling worried you had upset someone by accident. You stressing on things that weren’t there. For all your toughness, you were sensitive, especially when feeling down.
You winding me up. Me winding you up. Arguments which I won and you would declare: Git 1 Cuss 0. However, we both knew the final score was Git 0 Cuss Infinity.

To lose you is to lose completely. To have known you was a privilege. Of all the people I could have first met on the net, to really get to know and form a friendship with, I met you. What did I do to deserve that? How fortunate was I? Seven years was not enough but damn, we did so much in that time. Fun times. Interesting times. Difficult times. Precious times.

I still can’t believe it. You weren’t an ordinary person. You were the Cuss! I sit and think and just can’t take it in.

Crying again, damn you. I get angry sometimes too. But in an odd way I am glad I am like this. It is proof of what you mean to me. I know you would have understood that sentiment, and also appreciated it.

I talk to you sometimes, just like Jordy did in your book, as we discussed. I think of you often. I made a promise in your name and kept it because of that. That’s how powerful you have become, O Wise Cuss.

I will bore people in the future of you and your importance to me. I will brag about my best friend, my mentor, my idol, my guardian, my comrade-in-bickering-and-banter.

Love you. Take care. Save a seat for me beside you. You and I aren’t done. Thus says The Git.


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